Great Expectations

After 8 swim lessons, I'm pretty darn certain that i was expected to perform like an Olympiad in the pool today. I would have done better had I not been exhausted just from the preparations it took in order to vacate the house. The lotions and potions slathered on my body. SPF 400. Then the ordeal of my missing swim underpants. After tearing our room upside down, we collectively decided that I'd sport a normal diaper under my lobster swim trunks. Those would be the trunks that could be worn as golf knickers since they practically touch my ankles. Then there's the rash guard shirt to protect my upper body from the sun and of course my baseball cap to ensure my mellon doesn't see any sun. The most anticipated item of the day was whether or not I'd love my new car raft with sun shield that even comes equipped with a steering wheel and horn. Who wouldn't love it?? It doesn't take a card carrying member of Mensa to see the tranparency behind that purchase. I realize that it was a ploy to buy some extra sun time for mommy. Unfortunately for her, it didn't work - I absolutely hated the contraption. It's sitting in the box by the door right now - going back from where it came! In an attempt to appeal to her soft heart, I did the Humpty Dumpty routine at the wall. I took the plunge off the wall and held my breath like the swimmer that I am. Shortly after that I regurgitated quite a bit of milk I had just had for lunch. Our pool time was unexpectedly cut short when I could no longer keep my peepers open - I was clearly ready for a nap. The grand finale of our pool excursion was that momnesia got the best of mommy. Did she really think my biodegradable, compostable diaper would hold up after 30 minutes in the pool?? Not only was it the size of Texas by this time but it was like a sack of potatoes and practically exploding with corn or whatever contents it's made from! We couldn't keep our laughter contained after that one! Just when I thought it was all over and I was finally ready for my nap, someone smoothered my bum with sunscreen rather than butt balm. What do I have to do to get CPS to rescue me from this insanity? Daddy........if you're reading this....I need a rescue mission from you!